Shopping or Sex?

Do women really think more about shopping than men think about sex?  One woman said she doesn't think about either.  

What are the odds?

LIFE IS BEAUTIFUL

LIFE IS BEAUTIFUL

By JOANI J. STEWART

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LIFE IS BEAUTIFUL

By JOANI J. STEWART

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I am proud to announce the publication of my newest book of photographs. Soon to be announced will be the BOOK BITCHELLATI - but until then, make yourself feel good with a book of beautiful images. Click on the link and see for yourself.

Well Behaved Women Seldom Make History

ANY SIGN WILL DO

Don't you just wonder about the universe sometimes? I was on my way to get acupuncture for my ailing hands when I see this banner on the street that tells me I am ok.  Sometimes the answers we need are right in front of our face, you just need to open your eyes. You don't always get what you want, but you always get what you need. 

License plate on the car in front of mine yesterday -- EGBOK  (everything's going to be OK) 

Any sign will do!!

HANDS ON!

Do you ever think about how much you do with your hands?  Like type?  Write?  Turn pages? Eat?  Drive? Carry things? Hold?  Touch?  Feel?

What if you  couldn't use your hands anymore? Couldn't hold a pen or a tennis racket? Couldn't keep your hands on the steering wheel? 

I am in pain all the time. My joints (not the ones you smoke) are swollen and sore. My hands are puffy and stiff.  I run them under hot water in the morning just to soothe them temporarily. I take Advil, Bayer and am turning to acupuncture. (puncture is the operative part of that word)

So I looked up in my Louise Hay book, "You Can Heal Your Life", and what she has to say about hands and joints took my breath away, because it is true . . . and the truth always hurts . . .  

"Hands - Hold and handle, touch and grip, Grasping and letting go, caressing and pinching, all are ways of dealing with (handling) experiences." The affirmation being: I choose to handle all my experiences with love and with joy and with ease"

Joints - (it gets better!! . . . ) "Represents changes in direction in life and the ease of these movements." Affirmation: I easily flow with change. My life is divinely guided, and I am always going in the best direction."

Well, that certainly struck me - since my life has changed dramatically in the last few months, from having no work and running my own business to taking a full-time job for somebody else; from working alone in my own office to working with other people whose energy is sapping my own. 

I am stress filled, fear based, insecure and competitive. I am not handling the changes in direction with much bliss or trust in the universe. So the pain in my hands represents so much to me that I must change, it is really quite amazing. Quite the revelation. Maybe I should  stop gripping the wheel (stop griping too!) and start driving the car. . . 

 I can heal myself. I just have to remember to be happy and grateful and know that I am blessed and that I am exactly where I should be, doing exactly what I should be doing and the best thing I can do for myself is to LET GO    LET GOD and not hold on to it all. I am giving it to you, you carry it for me . . . 

TALK ABOUT MISGUIDED ENERGY POLICY

Recently had elective (what I thought was going to be minor) surgery. Turned out to be a lot worse then anticipated. Couldn't get past the notion that I had really made a mistake, i.e., if I had known that it was going to be such an ordeal I wouldn't have done it. Man, was I suffering. A couple of days ago a friend more or less told me to get over the mistake idea; that what was done was done and I couldn't undo it. Surprisingly enough I was able to stop putting my energy into my questionable choice since there really was no longer a choice available and started focusing on getting better. In the last 2 days I've started to feel like my old self again. Thanks friend. I know this is not really a bitch, but seems to me that misdirection of energy may very well be at the root of a whole lot of bitches. We'll see.

good day

today was a good day. Hiking, lunch out, a jacuzzi, then my son calls and has to take his pregnant wife to the hospital to get hydriated, she can't keep anything down and she needs fluids. I just want to put her in the light that her liquid problem is resolved and life can continue on a happy path. This is my first time blogging on someones sight.
Redrocket

Aint' life Grand?

I had a serious melt down yesterday and my girlfriend got a front row seat to it.  

I've been working almost 10 days straight...as a bitch to idiot people and taking their shit has become my life.  I do all this for the trade off of following my dream.  But things have just gotten out of hand. I know I've lived a pretty charmed life and I can't really complain in the big sense of things but when you get over 30 and you have few skills to draw on for employment, you find yourself sucking people's you know what and at certain points it can really take everything out of you.  I went to work yesterday as a favor to my boss and work place.  They needed a host at the restaurant where I bartend.  I filled in cause I'm a team player and I'm still trying to make people like me there and I dressed up all corporate and cheesy and I stood around like a dope and greeted people and took them to their seats.  No big deal right?  

Well that what I thought till I pulled the manger aside for a brief moment and asked him about those new open shifts that we're coming up since a main bartender was leaving soon.  Thats when the avalanche came.  I am suddenly being given the mother-load of shit from a fat ugly asshole of a man who wants me to know in no uncertain terms that I suck at my job from the perspective of everyone who works with me and that I have been so close to being fired numerous times but nobody had the balls to tell (He's the nice one for telling me, get it?). He's instead gonna give all the free shifts to a new girl who hasn't even finished training. So he's getting all self help on me about how I can take this the good way or the bad way and all the while I was breaking inside.  I was floored because I bust my ass at this disorganized shit hole and I can't keep up with the ridiculously difficult system they have in place.  Yeah sorry I'm not an octopus and I can't get everyones fucking drink at once and do whatever else they expect from me in that same moment.  So what if I am just not god gift to bartending.  I show up on time, I bust my ass, I am honest and I look good while doing it.  Give me a break.  I'm doing my very best (honestly).

So after a full 10 days of taking people's crap as dead end jobs and after hearing this negative spew-fest, I walked out of the bar, got into my car that my girlfriend had brought to pick me up and I proceeded to go bonkers: Kicking, screaming and tearing my shirt to shreds.  I fuckin lost it.  I mean I went ballistic.  I'm saying I went off the deep end, and I am still not back on land.  I cried, fought with my girl...went to my other job that night (a private party), drank 10 margaritas and then slept on it.  

I went back into the bar this morning and told that fat fuck exactly what I wanted to tell him.  No sugar coating.  No SNL where the girl thinks about what she wishes she could tell her boss.  No I decided that I was willing to lose my job and then I just told the asshole my truths.    

Did it make me feel better? In a way.  He took it better then I expected and I could sort of hear his point in some matters. It calmed me down a few degrees.   But now the anger still sits in me, making me continue to feel like crap... because I just can' t do this anymore. I can't play this game.  The price is getting too steep.   I have to get out of dead end jobs.. shit has gotta change.  And I won't rest (well) till it does. 

Ain't life grand?

SWEET BABY JAMES (CHRISTIAN JAMES, THAT IS!!)

Just showing off!! My new Grandbaby Boy! Ain't Grandma proud? The only BITCHELLATI is that I don't get to see him. (MOM!!) It's tough being a mother in law, it has a bad ring to it. 

Remember the old adage -" a son is your son until he takes a wife, a daughter is your daughter for the rest of your life!" Well, so true - my son took a wife and now I don't see anyone much anymore. She rules the roost and is the Mother Hen, keeping everything in CONTROL, including ME . . . by keeping me out of their lives. Much to my dismay of course, but all I can do is Bitchellati!! I should be happy I at least get pictures. He's 8mos. old and doesn't even know who I am . . . bitch bitch bitch!!

WHAT DO THESE 2 PICTURES HAVE IN COMMON??

NOW THIS IS WHAT I CALL A CARPOOL

Lets talk or rather Bitchellati about Carpool Lanes. They are on virtually every freeway now - to the demise of the lone driver (99% of us) going to work or going about our own business, slowly crawling along in the "fast" lane as those "others", luckier folk than we, speed along without a care in the world . . .  and who are they . . . these 'carpoolers?? Well, to their defense, I do actually know of one real carpool - they drive from Costa Mesa every day to work and there are usually 3 of them, so that qualifies them a a real carpool. 

But the rest of them? No Way Jose!! They are just lucky to be with a friend, family member, maybe even someone they work with, they are just lucky on that day, because on every other day, when they are driving to work or back ALONE, they, too, stare enviously as the lane to their left, as those cars whiz by. But not today . . . today they are with a friend and they suddenly remember - "Hey we can use the 'carpool lane, laugh, laugh . . . we're a carpool!!"

and off they fly, over the double double yellow, freely flowing, eagerly as they snub their yesterday counterparts and leave them in their dust!

A carpool lane was supposed to ease traffic with the lure of carpooling, like moms in the morning! But, it never really caught on for "carpooling", no one carpooled just so they could use the carpool lane . . . and now you just have to have $30,000.00 to buy a Prius, so you too, could get in the "lane". (Now, however, the price of a used Prius, with the carpool sticker has just tripled, as the Prius Co. reached their "Quota" (Quota?????) That's another Bitchellati, for another day . . .)

IF they were for REAL carpools, they would have times that carpooling is needed, say 8AM - 6PM Monday thru Friday, and let the rest of us use ALL the lanes the other time. If we had that one more lane ALL THE TIME, there might actually be a little less traffic than on those 3 lanes that are left for our use - our use . . . the real commuters of LA

SO, I say and I hope others will agree . . . the carpool lane is stupid, except when you get to be in it . . . like when you are on the way to the theater which starts at 8 . . . with your girlfriend, chatting about whatever . . . those times, you get lucky, you get to be in the "lane". 

So when you are sitting on the freeway while everyone seems to be passing you by, and you wish you could do a Larry David ("Curb Your Enthusiasm")  and pick up a hooker, just so you can use the carpool lane,  just think about how lucky you are to not have a fish in the face!!

Hey, maybe this site is our version of the Larry David show - or George Carlin  - - The Bitchellati Show!! After all, all they do is Bitch Bitch Bitch!

TIME FOR A CHANGE

Did you ever have that feeling that you were being forced out of your home; being evicted; dispossessed? Not because your mortgage was being foreclosed, but because it was the day that your Mexican cleaning lady was due to arrive. Well, I have. I hate that feeling. They walk into the house and start calling you "Mr." or "Mrs." "(insert your first name here)" and have this need to engage you in conversation. i just hate that also! Obviously, however, not enough to clean my house myself. Then they proceed to invade whatever room in the house that you happen to be in, regardless of how many other rooms there are that might also need attention. Then they start telling you that you didn't do a good job with something that you did in their absence. They seem to take up all the physical and breathing space in the house. So, if you're like me, you find somewhere else to be, like the local bar until you think that they've finished doing your place. You eventually venture back home with the hope that they're gone. Of course, there is no finding anything that they had to deal with, such as lids to your pots and pans, kitchen utensils, the pair of pants that you had on yesterday, etc. Such items have completely disappeared or been put in places that are unimaginable. All in all it takes a few days to get things back to normal and then the cycle starts all over again. Next Thursday they'll be back with their inane chatter, etc. Of course, all of this only costs you $75-100 every week or so. Maybe its time to get one of those robots that dusts, vacuums and straightens up. Maybe I can even find one that will do laundry, ironing and windows and provides some intimate personal services as well. (I hear that there really is such a thing.). I never thought that I would say this, but maybe it is time to just put a stop to illegal immigration as we know it. It certainly has its negative aspects. I can't really believe that Thomas Jefferson and George Washington were made to feel like they were being dispossessed by their household personnel. Let's go back to the good old days when servants knew their place and were inconspicuous around the house and provided some intimate services; i.e., when illegal immigration had a completely different meaning.

STOP TREATING US LIKE DOGS

I'm sick and tired of men always being demeaned and treated in general like dogs. Just look at what someone sent me because they thought it was funny.

WHAT EVERY WOMAN AND MAN WANTS

WOMAN'S WANTS POEM
Before I lay me down to sleep,
I pray for a man, who's not a creep,
One who's handsome, smart and strong.
One who loves to listen long,
One who thinks before he speaks,
One who'll call, not wait for weeks.
I pray he's gainfully employed,
When I spend his cash, won't be annoyed.
Pulls out my chair and opens my door,
Massages my back and begs to do more.
Oh! Send me a man, who'll make love to my mind,
Knows what to answer to 'how big is my behind?'
I pray that this man will love me to no end,
And always be my very best friend.


MAN'S WANTS POEM
I pray for a deaf-mute nymphomaniac with huge boobs
who owns a liquor store and a golf course. This
doesn't rhyme and I don't give a shit.

This kind of stuff really pisses me off. I could go on and on about it, but I don't have time right now. Instead, its time for me to go lay down in a corner and lick myself.

SOMEONE'S GOT TO DO SOMETHING ABOUT THESE OUT OF CONTROL ANIMALS

If you think getting a fish in the face is bad luck, what about the 7 people killed last week in NY by a crane or the person killed by a crane today in Miami. I haven't really figured out which is worse; a fish in the face or a crane in the head. They both are oh such bad luck. Can't someone do something about these creatures? (Oops, wrong kind of crane.)

New York doesn't have car chases . . . 

Bitchellati of the day - police car chases . . . what is the deal with those? Several people were killed in a horrific crash today due to a police car chase. 

I didn't even watch the news it makes me so crazy, but I did hear the newscaster posting it to the 11 o'clock news - 

The police kill several innocent bystanders in order to  catch a car thief or a petty cash thief or some such stupid thing . . .Helicopters buzz overhead, television news crews film the whole thing, thousands watch in awe on their tv screens to see what will happen. The same thing happens all the time. It's inane!! how dare it even be allowed. Seems stupider than drag racing (and that's stupid!!) 

Are the police proud of themselves when they catch a car thief but kill a kid on his way to school? Can they say it was worth it? Is it ever worth it and why is it still legal? California cowboys . . . California Dreamin' . . . 

Sort of like chasing O.J. and what was that all about??

Better than a fish in the face!

How about the stingray that flew out of the water after a sucker fish attached to its tail and smacked into a woman standing on the bow of the boat, killling then both instantly. you think you had a bad day??